BGPR Gets Stroked in the Sun

August 17th 2008

It was hot enough to evaporate cheeseburgers on the crumbled asphalt at Western Canada’s Premiere Demolition Obstacle Course for Round 4 of the CMRA regional motorcycle roadracing championship series and under the BGPR Canopy (AKA “The Paddock of Ill Repute”) the roadracers kept their cool but definitely weren’t frigid.

Number 17 Brad “The Good Shepherd” Gavey kicked off the race weekend in his usual role as head instructor and chaperoned his flock in the all-ages novice race. Brad made sure that there was plenty of daylight between the boy and girl racers, and did not wheelie. Determined to widen his lead in the Geezer Championship, Brad enlisted the services of tuning super-guru Willie Vass, who would cast his spell to make the heavy slow Honda less heavy and less slow. While no amount of magic could persuade Brad to lose 40 pounds, he still defied the physics of his “husky” power-to-weight ratio to soundly beat svelte rival Tim Johnson and extend his championship lead. Tim, or “Ti-Jo” as he’s known as in hip-hop circles, was later seen pacing back and forth in his pit, cursing Isaac Newton and updating his spreadsheet. Enhanced by the Vass Voodoo, Brad rode his heavy slow Honda to a 7th place finish in the Heavyweight Sportbike Expert race, and later to a 5th place finish in the Open Superbike race.

Number 15 Mitch “Rat” Rathje AKA Marlborough Mitch changed his own tires and did his own tuning on his Yamaha R1 racebike in Round 4. With no Vass Voodoo available, Mitch bested Brad’s 7th place with a solid Mitchth in the Heavyweight Sportbike Expert race. And without the help of Willie Vass, Rat also bettered the Good Shepherd’s result in the Open Superbike race with a 4th place finish. Rat, who had no professional tuner, had this sage cowboy advice to offer: “If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then and make sure it’s still there”.

Number 8 Mandy “Midge” McKay, who has still not washed the bird remains off the side of her CBR600RR racebike, was accidentally given “ultra-light” cigarettes and due to uncontrollable twitching at the starting grid, was not able to finesse the throttle and clutch in her usual way to get her usual holeshot. Instead, she held the throttle wide-open in a nicotine-withdrawal fit and spun her back tire into a fine mentholated powder when the flag dropped for both of the novice contests. Still, Midge was able to take a deep toke of the tire smoke to calm her nerves and made up for her crap starts with a couple of smooth, fast performances that earned her 9th and 7th place finishes.

Number 55 Jennifer “Fish” Salmon retired from the sport of roadracing. Some say that the abuse of the BGPR press releases was just too much for her to take. We’ll miss you Fish. Thanks for the mammaries.

Number 87 Chris “Skippy” Trickett AKA “The Litre” brought his inimitable riding style and winning attitude to challenge the amateur ranks in round 4. He also brought his mom, who dressed him and fed him yogurt cups and fruit roll-ups. Skippy was holding his own in 13th place in the Heavyweight Sportbike Amateur race until he decided to “rub” another racer in turn 6 and put his Yamaha in the weeds, causing the red flag that ended the race after only 6 laps. Unfazed by the incident, Skippy still made the starting grid for the Middleweight Sportbike Amateur race on his YZF-R1 1000cc 150 horsepower heavyweight litrebike superbike. Using the superior horsepower of his 1000cc 150hp litre-class litrebike, Chris forced his way past the middleweight racers like a schoolyard 1000cc bully in the 600cc lunch line to finish in 11th place. Chris was very pleased with his performance and looks forward to the round 5/6 double-header in September where he will race his R1 in the Veterans, Lightweight, Formula II, Sportsman, and SV650 Cup classes.

Number 82 Taylor “Pretty Boy” King AKA “The Tan” once again chose to sunbathe rather than practice on Saturday, and went into race day rusty and unprepared, but magnificently bronzed. Pretty Boy was grateful to Skippy for ending the Heavyweight Sportbike Amateur race after only 6 laps. Using his strategy of “blocking the faster riders, especially Amy” the Tan hung on to 8th position, his best amateur result so far. The Tan’s 15th and 13th place finishes in the Middleweight Sportbike Amateur and Middleweight superbike classes represented a bit of a disappointment, but Pretty Boy still considered it an excellent opportunity to show off his chic new white urban camo racing boots and matching knee sliders, which he feels that the fans truly appreciated.

Number 51 Nelson “Gomez” Goncalves purchased a used racebike with a dodgy radiator from Brad using money he earned picking peaches and lettuce in the Okanagan. Brad felt guilty, and gave Gomez a ride on the team to help clear his conscience. Plus, the bike was already blue and yellow, and much faster than his previous ride; a donkey. Gomez made his debut in the novice races, which he won with much less difficulty than, say, swimming the Rio Grande. Still, the Juan-on Juan battle between Gomez and Redline Benny provided great entertainment for the fans. His back wet from perspiration, Gomez easily advanced to amateur and contested the Middleweight Sportbike class, where he finished somewhere mid-pack, though as of this writing he hasn’t officially been scored. Some say that he turned impressive times for a rookie, while others say that his 4 foot-nine 67 pound frame gave him an unfair advantage. Gomez was happy with his performance, and breaking with BGPR cheeseburger tradition, he ate a celebratory taco. Brad swears he has all his papers.

Yet again it was a successful weekend for the motley BGPR racers and crew. Special thanks are due to all the volunteers who make our hobby possible, as well as Parts Canada, Pirelli Tires, Coors Light, Redline Motorsports, and Vass Performance. Take it to the Track and we’ll see you in September!

Don’t miss our next track night on Thursday, September 4th!