BGPR Wraps it Up

Sept 21st 2008

In the final two rounds of the CMRA Regional Roadracing Championship, the racers and crew of Team BGPR Schools used extra protection, double-fisted it while they double-penetrated the double-header event.

For Brad “Hot Papa” Gavey AKA the “Big Show”, founder, leader, owner and poet laureate of BGPR Schools, it was a weekend of highs and lows, and that doesn’t just refer to his high beef / processed cheese intake and low metabolic rate. In dry, warm conditions, under a perspiration-soaked Alpinestars race suit, Brad ape-handled his slow heavy number 17 Honda CBR1000RR touring bike around the track quickly enough for a 5th place finish in the Round 5 Heavyweight Sportbike Expert race, breaking into the 19s.

The Big Show’s next race was the Senior Open, where racers can “run what they brung” as long as they were born before World War II. Brad entered the race holding a narrow 9 point edge over rival Tim “Ti-Jo” Johnson. With a very obvious power-to-weight and aerodynamic disadvantage, Brad’s physically improbably corner speed was no match for Ti-Jo’s superior horsepower and gangster-rap physique. The two senior racers competed hard enough to nearly soil their Depends, and put on a tremendous performance with Johnson eventually taking the win by no more than a slide-rule. Brad’s Geezer Championship advantage was now only 4 points.

Later on in the Open Superbike race, Brad turned a career-best lap time of 1:19 flat, and was punished by Newton’s spirit with a nasty crash in turn 3 for flagrant violations of the laws of physics. Brad crawled out of the blast crater, picked up the pieces of the busted Honda, lashed them together with bits of straw and duct tape, and rode the slow heavy wreckage across the finish line under its own meager power. “Racers race” he was heard to say of his 11th place finish… his tires had melted to a gooey mess from the strain of the physically improbable lap times.

Sunday morning brought a splash of rain, and an advantage for Brad, who was rewarded for his smooth consistent racing style. (Not to mention titanic combined bike/rider mass, which parted the water like the Red Sea) Possessed with newfound determination and hankerin’ for a post-race cheeseburger, B-Rad charged to the lead and absolutely destroyed the competition (and his rain tires) to claim the win in the final 2008 Heavyweight Sportbike Expert race.

Unfortunately for the Big Show, the skies cleared and the pockmarked racing surface dried momentarily for the Senior Open race, diminishing his “hefty” wet weather advantage. Brad stayed hot on the Puma-clad heels of Ti-Jo for 10 laps, but just couldn’t complete a safe pass on the gangster-rapper engineer. He put up a heroic homestyle flame-broiled effort, but Cheeseburger Brad lost the Geezer Championship by a single point.

With a broken cholesterol-clogged heart and a full stomach, The Gavinator lined up on the grid for the final Open Superbike race of 2008 and finished 7th place after 15 gruelling laps. This capped off a season where Brad finished 5th overall in Heavyweight Sportbike Expert, 7th rank in Open Superbike and 2nd in Senior Open. Brad was ranked number 5 in the club’s top riders, with 28 events entered, 15 top-ten finishes, 7 podiums and 3 race wins, collecting a total of 243 points, eating 445 cheeseburgers, and shotgunning 94 Coors Lights.

Number 15 Mitch “Rat” Rathje, cowboy poet, expert racer and Brad’s hetero life-partner completed his race season in a successful, if not spectacular manner. Rat, who doesn’t enter the Geezer Championship because he wants to let Brad win, was equally sportsmanlike in the Round 5 Heavyweight Sportbike Expert race, ceding 5th to the Big Show while he cruised across the finish line in a much more comfortable Mitchth position. Later on in the Open Superbike race, Mitch was much less courteous and avoided the Gavey blast crater to finish 5th place, with a blistering best lap of 1:19.1. Rat briefly considered stopping to help his partner out, but he knows that “life is better when you plow around the stump”.

Sunday’s 6th round brought with it a challenging and greasy Heavyweight wet race. Mitch stayed upstream of the herd but finished the race, which was better than half of the other entrants could claim. Sometimes you get, sometimes you get got. The water-logged score sheet showed 4th place. Mitch entered the Open Superbike race and was able to muster a Mitchth, which was at least better than Brad.

When the tire smoke cleared, Mitch wrapped up the 2008 CMRA race season ranked 7th in Heavyweight Sportbike Expert and 5th in Open Superbike. He retired to his dude ranch but will probably be back in the saddle for round nine, riding the Race City range once more and totin’ his old .44.

Number 8 Mandy “Matchbox Midge” Mckay brought her ill-matched 4-tone yellow and blue artistic bird-strike BGPR tribute Honda 600RR to once again challenge the Novice race in round 5. Taking second place in her class, Midge put her head down and with a mouthful of nicotine gum and patches covering 70% of her body, achieved her fastest lap time ever with a bird-slaying 1:33.3.

After scaring the tar right out of her lungs in the soaked first round, Midge vowed to never race a motorcycle in the rain again and instead stay under shelter like normal people, so she hung up her leathers and roamed the paddock with her rottweiler, chain smoking and shouting at people. Never say never, Matchbox.

Number 82 Taylor “The Tan” King AKA “Prettyboy” had expressed some disdain at the poor meteorological forecast, as he didn’t want to wreck his hair, but was relieved to find Saturday’s weather warm and sunny, with the high UV index necessary for proper melanin production. With practice cut short, the Tan was a bit slow to start on Saturday morning’s Heavyweight Sportbike Amateur race. Dropping back from the lead group, Prettyboy settled into a lonely pace which situated him ideally for maximum audience exposure and minimal shade from other racers. Taylor coasted into an 8th-place finish, and was confident that the talent scouts in the rotted-out grandstands noticed him.

Later on in the Middleweight Superbike race, warmed by an afternoon’s worth of unfiltered UV rays and his skin broiled to a coppery radiance, the Tan found the motivation to amplify his effort. Lining up on the grid with his immaculately clean colour-coordinated Honda and matching outfit, Pretty Boy popped his collar and ran his best race ever, finishing 8th overall and setting a personal best lap time of 1:25.865.

In Sunday’s round 6 wet racing action, the Tan repeated his round 5 performance with an 8th place finish in the soggy Heavyweight Sportbike Amateur race. He was rumoured to have ruined his hair. For the afternoon’s Middleweight Superbike race, Taylor went against the current and equipped rain tires in the drying conditions. He finished 7th.

The Tan started this season as a novice, advanced to amateur, and got incrementally faster and browner as the racing season progressed. He grunts when he’s “getting his swell on” at the gym, and he wants everyone to know how jacked and tanned he is.

Number 87 Chris “Skippy” Trickett surprised and impressed the hell out of everybody… well, except for the veteran racers who were pissed at being beaten by an adolescent on a bombed-out 2-wheeled jalopy. A rigorous training regimen and a strict diet of Flintstones vitamins and Sunny D between races had Skippy prepared for Round 5 even better than he came prepared for his junior high final exams earlier this year. Chris came out of nowhere to battle for the lead in the Heavyweight Sportbike Amateur race, barely losing it in the end to Robert Maurice, and putting up an improbably fast best lap of 1:23.611.

Skippy had attempted to repeat his cheat from round 4 and registered his R1 in the day’s middleweight races. Though his ’02 R1 ratbike is probably slower than most true middleweights, the officials sent him to his bedroom without dessert and he ended up running the Open Superbike race instead. In Calgary’s fastest race, against Calgary’s fastest racers, Skippy fought back growing pains and held his own, finishing an impressive 9th place and beating his mentor Brad, who fell off.

In Sunday’s frustrating weather, Skippy was cool under the pressure of changing weather conditions, and competed equally hard in the wet Heavyweight race and the dry Superbike race. Chris was narrowly edged out for the win in the Heavyweight Sportbike amateur contest by 4-year old todder prodigy Cody Matechuk, and finished 8th running with the big boys in the Open Superbike event. This kid will have his first championship before he has his first shave.

Nelson “Gomez” Goncalves registered for 6 races in the double-header but only managed to turn a couple of laps. Gomez missed Saturday’s practice while he put the finishing touches on his stolen 600RR racebike/taco stand but was still ready to run across the finish line border for the Heavyweight Sportbike amateur race. Gomez avoided the starting-grid carnage and had a great start, charging through the first 6 turns as though there was a Canada Customs and Immigration officer on his tail. Unfortunately Nelson re-fried his rear tire and crashed in the chicane, ending his weekend’s racing, but creating an employment opportunity to change his teammates’ tires for well below minimum wage.

With the 2008 season at its conclusion, the BGPR Schools team would like to thank Pirelli Tires, Parts Canada, Coors Light, Redline Motorsports and all the volunteers who donated their time to make these races possible. They laughed, they cried, they hurled they tanned, they smoked cigarettes, drank beer, ate cheeseburgers and the BGPR racers had a lot of fun. Take it to the Track and we’ll see you in 2009.

Don’t miss the BGPR / OneTrackMind track day on Monday October 13th for your last chance to Take it to the Track before next season!